For Better Or For Worse
by 2ManyObsessions
Summary: Semi-post Undercover. Liv is still recovering from her ordeal at Sealview, only to find out that the one thing she is trying to escape, might just come back to haunt her. EO. :-
1. Friends & Revelations

**Hi Everyone, I'm dedicating this story to Carrina (aka CuppycakeGumdrop) for being my inspiration to finally post my first ever story! I probably would have never posted this or any otherwise! She's my Muse! *Hugs* I hope you like it! Let me know! *that little blue-purple button* LOL ******** xo**

**Chapter One**

She sat alone in her apartment, she wasn't sure of anything around her, she wasn't even aware that she had tears running down her face. It had happened over 2 months ago and she remembered it like it was yesterday. It just wasn't getting any better. How the hell had she let it happen? How did such a normal undercover gig, well, as normal as it got with her job, end up going so horribly wrong? She couldn't bring herself to think about what had almost happened in that basement. It hurt too much to think about what would have happened if Fin hadn't gotten there within the second that he did. She hadn't been scared of doing it, she had practically begged for the Captain to send her under, he had plainly refused and she had pushed until he finally gave in, not liking the idea, but trusting her judgment. Why had she pushed and begged? Hadn't she known how dangerous it would be going undercover at Sealview? Hadn't Cragen warned her? He did and she knew all along, but how else was she supposed to get justice for what happened to Ashley Tyler and her mother, Risa? When she found out that Risa had been murdered inside the prison, there was not a doubt in her mind that she had made the right decision. She had never meant it to go that far, she should have listened when Elliot and Cragen had told her it was way too dangerous. She sighed. Elliot. What the hell was she supposed to tell him? Was she going to tell him anything at all? He'd already asked her and she told him 'nothing', but she'd seen the look in his eyes, the one that said he didn't believe a word of it, she knew he wasn't going to drop it. She wasn't sure she could tell him. She hadn't old anyone, with the way she felt now; she didn't think she ever could. She knew this was affecting her life, her emotions and her job, more than she was willing to admit. Melinda had only found out because she had put two and two together, she knew there was no way that Ashley would have remembered that sordid detail on her own. Just the thought of it sent a cold chill through her body. She was pulled out of her thoughts when she heard a soft knock at the door.

She got up and made her way to her apartment door, before she had a chance to ask, a voice came from the other side of the door.

''It's me, Liv'' Casey said. Olivia opened the door to her 'girl' best friend and former ADA. Casey walked in and set two fresh cups of coffee on the counter; she turned back to Liv and noticed her tear-stained face and that she was trying unsuccessfully to hide the fact that she was wiping tears from her eyes.

''Liv, Hey, hey, what's wrong, Honey'' she walked over and hugged her best friend; she had never seen Liv in this state before, crying yes, practically sobbing, never.

''Liv, What's wrong? Tell me'' Olivia just sobbed into Casey's shoulder. She had no idea how long she had been crying, but when she finally realised that she was sobbing, she pulled away from Casey and went back to her place on the lounge and sat, curled up, trying not to let more tears fall. Casey sat next to her and tried to sooth and calm her down. She had no idea what could have happened to make her such a mess.

''Olivia, will you please tell me what's wrong? What happened?'' Casey hesitated, she knew it had happened months ago, but ever since then, Liv had been acting totally strange and really out of it. Problem was that she wasn't sure exactly what had happened, she only knew it had happened and it was bad. Liv had never told her, but it wasn't rocket science, she didn't need a degree to figure that out. Someone was going to have to ask the tough questions, it may as well be her.

''What happened when you were in Sealview?'' Olivia's breath caught in her throat, which had automatically told Casey that she had hit a nerve. Olivia knew that she had given it away, she was going to have to explain to Casey, she just wasn't sure how. Casey had known that something was wrong ever since she had convicted Harris, she couldn't lie to her anymore, but it was just so hard.

''Olivia, please, tell me'' Olivia closed her eyes and tried to breathe.

''Casey, I really don't want to talk about it.'' Casey sighed, she didn't push the matter further, she knew better, but her eyes didn't shut up.

''Okay'' Liv sighed; she got up and walked over and leant on the counter. Casey followed hesitantly and kept her distance, she didn't want to push her luck.

''You asked about Sealview. But you probably already figured it out by now.'' She paused, Casey didn't say anything, and the look she gave told her to continue.

''When the outbreak happened and the whole place went into lock down, there was an riot between the inmates and the guards, I couldn't help myself, I had to have my say, I was just so angry. The guards tried to shut us up, and one of the officers told Harris that I had started the whole thing.'' She began to sob, just thinking about it hurt more than anyone knew, she couldn't handle talking about it, maybe that's why she didn't tell anybody. But she could just stop now, there was no way Casey would let up about it if she did.

'' He told me he was taking me to the Hall, which I was okay with, until he started going in the opposite direction; he was going to the basement. I tried to stop him, but I couldn't, I didn't want to blow my cover and I let him take me down there.'' She was in a full state of tears now, it just hurt so much.

''I shouldn't have let it happen Case, but he completely overpowered me, my attempts to fight were pointless. I really didn't think that I was going to make it out of there. If Fin hadn't gotten there when he did, I wouldn't have.''

Casey stopped in mid-thought, her eyes wide at her sudden thought. It hadn't completely registered with her that fact that Liv wasn't just talking about being attacked, she was talking about rape. What else would it have been at Sealview? She should have put it together; she probably would have if she hadn't been so caught up in trying to figure out what it was and only finding out now that she was attacked, after Harris had been convicted and sent to Rikers. She would have charged and put the barstard away for much longer, adding Liv's attack and rape or attempted rape to his long list of charges if she had known. Casey just couldn't bring herself to think that Olivia had been raped; she prayed to God that he didn't get that far. How come this had never occurred to her? She turned her attention back to Liv, she still had tears running down her face, but she had made the sobbing subside. Casey wandered over and stood beside her, but she still wouldn't look at her.

''Did he rape you?'' Casey asked before she even realised the words that had come out of her mouth.

''It's the closest I have ever come.'' Olivia tried to wipe the tears from her eyes, but it was no use, fresh ones just kept falling.

''Liv, why didn't you say something? Did you tell anyone?''

''You, Melinda figured it out on her own and Fin was there.'' Casey didn't need to ask how Melinda would have figured it out, but she was wondering why she never mentioned it to anyone, especially if she knew that Liv needed help. She was going to have to sort that one out. She hated seeing her best friend like this, she didn't deserve this. Nobody did.

''Liv, none of this is your fault, you were helping a young girl and her mother, you put away the monster who was hurting them, you didn't go looking for this, you never asked for this to happen, you asked to go under to help Ashley and Risa, you didn't go under to prove anything.''

''I know that, Case. It's not so much the fact that I feel responsible for this; I have told countless victims the same thing. It's just that it's me. I never expected something like this to happen to me. I have been undercover heaps of times with Fin, Elliot and God knows who else, and it's always turned out okay, I didn't think anything of it. But it did Casey and now I have to live with that, but it's in my head 24/7 and it's not going away. It feels like I didn't know the amount of danger I was putting myself in, I knew it but I wasn't paying attention to it, I had taken coming out of every other undercover stint alive for granted, it took this to really make me see, like I need to go through this because I was thinking it through, I wasn't aware of how many times my life has been spared. It's wrong, Casey, it shouldn't feel like this.''

''Have you spoken to anybody to help you deal with this?''

''Yeah, I did.''

''Did it help?''

''Not much''

Suddenly a thought occurred to her. It felt better to tell someone she knew. It made her feel safer. So why couldn't she tell Elliot? As if she had said the words out loud Casey asked the question she was trying to avoid.

''Does Elliot know?''

''No, I told you, only you, Melinda and Fin know.''

''It took you this long to tell me Liv and were best friends, I want to help you. But so does Elliot. Don't you think he'd want to know? Don't' you think he'd want to help you through this?''

''It's got nothing to do with him. He doesn't need to know.''

Casey was silent for a moment.

''I told you because we're close. It's different with him.''

''I know Liv, and you know I'm here whenever you need me, but you and Elliot…''

She stopped. She really didn't know how to finish that sentence. She didn't know how to describe them. They were so many things.

''He'd want to know Liv. He's noticed how strange you have been acting, he just can't piece it together, he's scared that he's going to say something to upset you and he doesn't want to fight with you. But he knows something up and it's driving him crazy, he's been going out of his mind with worry.''

Olivia looked confused. ''and you know this how? Did he say something?''

Casey looked hesitant; she'd spoken to him because she was going out of her mind with worry just as much as he was. She knew if Liv found out that she would kick her ass for it, but she could see that Elliot was desperate.

''Look, I'm sorry Liv; I know you hate it when people talk to him about you, but he really was desperate and so was I. Not that I had much to tell him, I didn't know anything either, I was just as desperate as him. I just told him that it was probably just being in a place like that, the things you would have seen and it was probably affecting you more than you thought it would. I mean that's what I originally thought it was. Not that he bought it, he knew it was something else, he knows you too well. No amount of my convincing or reassuring could have changed his mind. But he let it go. I am sorry Liv, it's none of my business whether you tell him or not. I just thought that you would have needed someone to help you or at the very least needed him.''

Olivia was silent. Truth was that she was right, she did need him. Not that she was ever going to admit that to him, Casey or anyone else. But she did and she knew it. She wasn't angry at Elliot or Casey, she was angry with herself. How could she think that she could keep this from him or Casey? Or anyone else she knew. What made it worse was that she knew if she told Elliot, she would have to face just how much she needed him. She was trying to distance herself from him. Not draw him closer. Maybe that's the real reason why she didn't tell him. She knew they couldn't afford to put themselves in another situation that would only end in heartbreak and tears, for both of them. She wasn't going to do that to either of them again. They had been there too many times and each time just broke them a little bit more. She wasn't sure she had anything left to break. They needed to start living separate lives, where the only thing that connected them was work. They were so tangled that it was going to be hard to let go. But she had to start somewhere and that somewhere had to be nowhere near him. Telling him what happened to her would be like pulling the strings of the tangle that they were into a tighter knot. She had to learn how to be and live without him. She couldn't have him forever. Eventually they would have to go their own way, they weren't going to be partners forever and right now, that's all they were, all they could be, just partners. She couldn't tell him.

''I'm sorry Case, I'm not angry at either of you, I'm actually thankful that you were the one who spoke to him. That day, as soon as I got back to the squad room, he knew something was up. He asked me about it, I just told him nothing. But he wasn't buying it, I could see it in his eyes, but…I just….I didn't think that he needed that image in his head. All he would do is start blaming himself for not being there with me.''

''But Fin was with you. You were in capable hands Liv.''

''I know. But you know what he's like Casey. He thinks it's his job to be there with me every time something goes wrong. If he's not he feels responsible and you have no idea how many times I have had that conversation with him, trying to tell him it's not his fault. It only ends with us arguing, I just don't want to go through that anymore. I already blame myself for letting it happen; I couldn't handle it if he did it too. He's always done it, from the first day we met. He does it more since he said to me that he couldn't keep looking-''

She stopped. Fresh tears had started to well in her eyes. That was another painful event that she hated remembering, another event that she couldn't bring herself to talk about. She had nearly lost him that day and he had nearly lost her. They had taken it out on each other and they had never forgiven themselves. Since that day, everything between them had been twisted and pulled till they were so entwined yet so cautious, so close yet so apart. They became everything all at once, all the emotions and feelings all rolled into one and it had just killed them both. They were slowly re-piecing the pieces of their lives and feelings back together, they were at a steady place now, but if hit again, they wouldn't be able to survive it, they were only just holding themselves together. They're like glass. Drop it and it shatters.

''I know Liv. You both have to stop blaming yourselves. It's neither of your faults.''

Casey had a fair idea of how that sentence was going to end. She wasn't going to push that topic. She knew how much it hurt both Elliot and Olivia to talk about it. That's' why they never did. Not to each other or to anyone else. Even when Liv returned to SVU from her ''Undercover Job'' with the FBI (or at least that is what she called it, but Casey knew the only reason she took it was to get away from what happened and away from Elliot, needless to say that was her biggest mistake), they chose to ignore it and they never got over it. They were extremely cautious of each other.

Liv went over and sat on the sofa, Casey followed. She sat and put her arm around her best friend.

''Well, those cups of coffee are going to be cold by now, what you say we go out for fresh ones. It's not that late and we could both use it. Besides, it's not good for you to stay up here alone thinking about what happened.''

Liv just sighed and looked at Casey with a slight smile.

''Okay, why not? Your right, we need it.'' She said with another smile that Casey returned showing she understood.


	2. Missing

**Hi again! I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who reviewed. I'm so glad you like it. As always I am dedicating this story to Carrina, who is still behind me 100% of the way. I love you, my long lost sister!!**

**Also, To Bill & Ester, who both keep lecturing me to write! You know I love you both…Lol…and to Marykate…who I would be nowhere without. So this is for them! **

**Okay, so here's Chapter Two! Enjoy! ******

**Chapter Two**

Elliot got into the squad room earlier than usual, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't stay up, he was out of it. Work was the only thing that kept him going, kept him sane. He walked into the precinct to find the Captain reading over a case file with a painfully anguished look upon his face.

''What's up, Captain? You look like you're about to pass out''

Captain Cragen looked up to see Elliot putting his coat over the chair.

''Nothing any of you are going to like, especially your partner. Do you know where she is?''

Elliot looked at the clock. It was early for him. Liv was always here before him. She should have been here by now. She was always here this early.

''I haven't seen her. I thought she would be here by now. Have you tried her apartment?''

''I called both her apartment and her cell three times. No answer. You need to get her in here Elliot, try her again. Munch and Fin are on their way.''

He walked back to his office, actually he almost ran. Elliot got out his cell and pressed the speed dial to Liv's number. He let it ring out. No answer. Where was she? He tried again as Munch and Fin walked in, with Casey followed closely behind. He hadn't seen Casey in a while, not since they had last talked, ironically, about Olivia. But he knew that she still saw Liv almost every day. He had a sinking feeling that she couldn't get in touch with Liv either, which meant she was worrying, which was why she was here, which made Elliot's heart skip a few beats. He was starting to panic. He dialed again. Why wasn't she answering?

''Hey what's going on? Cragen called us just about in hysterics, where's Liv?'' said Fin.

''That's a good question. I haven't seen her since yesterday.'' Elliot replied and Fin noticed the panic rising within him.

Still no answer, he felt as though someone had just taken a massive stab at his heart, it stung with this annoyingly bad feeling that the reason she wasn't answering her phone wasn't a good one. He'd never been wrong about his feelings and his instincts had never let him down, especially not when Liv was concerned, he'd made sure of that. But he was known to let his feelings get the better of him when he was talking about Liv, he was over protective and he didn't care, as long as it meant that she was safe. It wasn't doing him a whole lot of good this time and his panic was taking over.

''But I was with her last night, we went out for coffee, I dropped her off and she said she was tired. I assumed she was going to bed. I can't get in touch with her either. I came here, I thought she might have come in earlier and forgotten to switch her phone on or something.''

Now Casey was beginning to panic, right up there with Elliot and the others not far behind. Casey knew Liv too well; she always answers her phone, especially when the caller ID came up with her name or Elliot's. Where the hell was she?

''Let me try her again.'' Casey said as she pulled out her cell.

''I already tried both her phones four times, Casey.''

''I know'' she said as Cragen came back out of his office to talk to his squad.

''Alright, people. Everybody needs to take a breath.''

Casey put down her phone. ''No answer''

''Casey'' said Cragen sounding surprised. He hadn't seen Casey since that day when she had told them all that she had been barred from the DA's office for more or less a year, give or take, for lying to the court when their former detective, Chester Lake, was being investigated. She had let her feelings for him interfere with the case. She had been so upset, it had been an emotional week and the goodbyes were tear filled, especially for Casey, Olivia, Melinda and Elliot, they were all close. They had gone through their fair share of ADA's and they had been friends with all of them and yet, they always seemed to go out in hurt and tears. Suppose you could call it an occupational hazard. He knew that Casey and Olivia would continue to see each other regularly, according to Elliot, almost every day, which had to be why she was here. She obviously couldn't get in touch with Liv either. Now he was beginning to worry. With the news he had, it might be a good thing that she was here.

''Captain'' Casey said with a half smile, that's all she could manage with the amount of panic within her.

''It's good to see you''

''You too, I've missed you all, only I wish it were under better circumstances.'' She said glancing at Elliot.

''You haven't seen Liv either then I'm guessing?''

''Not since last night, I've tried both phones, nothing.''

''So have I, Captain, what are you not telling us?'' Elliot said with a painful glare in his eyes. Cragen shifted uncomfortably, his face so pale; it looked like someone had drained the blood from his face. He felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up, he had an idea as to why no one could get in contact with Liv and he prayed to God with everything he had that he was wrong.

''I'm going to find her. This isn't like her.'' Elliot said and grabbed his coat from his chair and started to run towards the squad room doors.

''Elliot, wait.'' Cragen called after him. Elliot stopped in his tracks.

''Captain, I won't be long, I just need to find-''

''Before any of you go anywhere, you need to know why I called you in so early.''

He braced himself to tell them what he knew, then for all hell to break loose. They all looked at him expectantly and silently waiting for an explanation.

''Lowell Harris escaped from prison last night with another inmate at Rikers. Nobody knows where he is. Nobody has seen him but the whole city is on wide alert. 1PP has all possible man power out there tracking him. A few nights ago a guard at the prison overheard him and his cellmate talking about getting even with a female cop.''

Everyone's eyes went wide and mouths dropped as it dawned on them where he was headed with this.

''Captain, you don't think that…I mean…you don't mean that…'' Elliot stumbled for words; he couldn't bring himself to say what they were all thinking.

''Liv really got to him. She helped put him away for the rest of his life. He was vocal about getting revenge even when they were dragging him out of court. I'm not making any assumptions or taking any drastic measures till I know for sure. But she's not answering her phone and that's not like her, we don't know for sure''

''No, I refuse to believe that, she's fine, she has to be. I've got to find her.'' Elliot ran out of the squad room before anyone could say or do anything. Everyone stayed silent; no one wanted to believe what they were all thinking.

Casey now felt physically sick. How the hell did Harris escape? He had been in a secure prison facility, one with maximum security; she had made sure of it. If Liv was hurt she would never forgive herself. Not everybody knew about Liv being assaulted by Harris, not even Elliot. What was she supposed to do? She couldn't not tell them, they had a right to know, but she would never betray Liv's trust, it was her choice who she chose to tell, but if she didn't tell them, she might be in more danger. Harris wasn't the type who would just want some sort of revenge justice and then let it go. He would want to make Liv pay; he would want to make her suffer.

''Elliot, wait!'' she called; she heard his footsteps stop suddenly half way down the hall, he came back.

''I want to go with you.''

''Casey…'' Elliot started but Casey cut him off.

''She's my best friend, Elliot, I care about her too.'' He didn't dispute the matter further. They headed out and ran down to the parking lot, they could here Munch and Fin closely behind them. Elliot had heard Cragen say that he would stay behind in case she calls. All they could do was pray, Liv had to be okay, she just had to be.

Olivia could barely keep her eyes open, her consciousness fading in and out. She tried to move, but she was in too much pain, she tried to shift her weight to turn on her back, but she couldn't move; she didn't even know where she was, she couldn't remember what had happened. The last thing that she remembered was sitting in the diner with Casey, nursing cup of coffee and talking and reminiscing about past cases and that sleazy defense attorney that had asked her out in order to try and get her to plead down his client on a double homicide. She tried to remember anything after that, nothing, everything after that was completely blank. She moved a slight inch to try and adjust her head, only to realise the sudden pain that was radiating from it. Her head throbbed and pounded, she could feel something wet flowing through her hair, and she wouldn't think twice that with the amount of pain she was in, it was blood. She knew she that was bleeding in more places over her body, she was hurting and stinging and she could feel the blood oozing out of what feet like deep cuts all over her. She was sure she was alone, whoever had done this to her didn't stick around, was this just some random break-in? She didn't really have anything of value to steal; maybe that's what set him off. She didn't even know where she was, was she even home? She didn't know and she was in too much pain to think about it. She just wished someone would find her and make her pain go away. She wished that Casey, or Elliot, or someone from the squad was here with her. Elliot. She prayed and hoped he would find her, she didn't want to die here and never see him again, her only wish would be to say goodbye to him. Tell him all the things she only dreamed of telling him, all the things that she never could. She let her mind wander to Casey, her best friend, she would be going out of her mind, she would be blaming herself for not doing something to prevent it, and so would Elliot. How would they have known? As far as she remembered, Casey was the last person with her. If she hadn't known something happened, what hope would there be that anyone else would. She didn't know the time or the day or the date, everything was hazy. She remembered that while having coffee with Casey, it was dark out, she would have gone home straight after that, she wouldn't have anywhere else to go at that hour, except work. Why couldn't she remember? What the hell had happened? Was she called out because of work and then injured in the line of duty? But she would have been with Elliot, or Munch, or Fin, they wouldn't just leave her. Suddenly, wherever on earth she was, was filled with a loud crash and voices, a whole heap of voices that she could barely hear, they all sounded mumbled and mixed together. She couldn't tell one from the other, she could only make out bits and pieces and her name.

''Clear! Olivia! Liv! '' She heard her name at least three times and couldn't open her mouth to respond, she felt so helpless.

''Elliot, in here! '' she heard a voice shout. It sounded very vaguely like Casey's. Did she say Elliot? Was he here? Had he found her?

''Oh my God! Get the EMT's in here, she needs a bus! '' Elliot commanded and then she heard a familiar voice she couldn't place, radio for help. She felt a strong arm go around her head and it lightly brought her up so her head wasn't touching the ground.

'' Liv, can you hear me? '' He was closer now and she could make out his words, she tried to answer him, she willed her mouth to move, but she lay there, unable to speak.

'' Liv, Liv, please, stay with me.'' She just wanted to say she was okay, she wanted more than anything in the world to just throw her arms around him and hold him, but she could feel herself slipping. Elliot's arms gripped around her tighter, as her eyes fell completely closed, the tears that Elliot had tried so hard to hold in, were now spilling over and flowing freely.

''Liv! Olivia! Please Liv! Stay with me! Don't leave me!'' He was practically yelling, his voice frantic.

''Liv, please you can't leave me, I can't do this without you, anything, Liv, please, just stay with me!'' he was to the point of hysterics as Casey put a hand on his shoulder.

''Elliot, the EMT's are here.'' Casey was crying too. The EMT's rushed in and gently lifted Olivia out of his tight hold, while Casey gently backed him away, he was just staring at her, Casey rubbed his shoulder, trying to comfort him, but knowing that it would do no good.

''Munch and Fin are on their way to the hospital, Cragen's gonna meet us there. Come on, you can come with me.''

''No! I want to ride with her!'' rushing over to the stretcher beside the EMT.

''I'm sorry detective, she critical, you can't.''

''But she needs me, I need to be with her, please!'' Elliot pleaded

''Detective, I'm sorry, but…'' Casey knew that Elliot was hysterical; he wasn't getting anywhere, so she intervened.

''Excuse me, former ADA Casey Novak, this Detective Benson's partner, Elliot Stabler.'' She said pointing at Elliot, with formal introductions, while the other EMT's wheeled Liv out to the ambulance. She was trying to keep it together, trying not to sob, for Elliot's sake. Elliot's eyes never left her.

''Look, I know how bad she is, none of us want anything more than to help her, but I'm her best friend and I know her and I know she would want Elliot with her every step of the way. Please.''

''Look, I understand what you're saying, I know he's her partner and he cares about her but…''

''Please, I'm begging you, let me go with her, she needs me.'' The EMT looked form Elliot to Casey then back to Elliot.

''Okay, you can ride along, but only you, I'm sorry Miss Novak but you can't-''

''That's okay, I'll follow. She just needs him. Elliot go! '' Elliot touched Casey's arm and ran out the door after Olivia, closely followed by Casey and the EMT.


	3. Pain For Love

**Hi Again! Thank you all for your wonderful reviews! It so inspiring to read them! **

**As always a shout out dedication to Carrina, Bill (Happy Birthday Uncle Bill!), Ester & MaryKate…I Love you all!**

**And also to Tonia, who's trying unsuccessfully to help me get to sleep! Lol…To Kat, Cause she's wonderfully awesome! And To Scott…Who thinks I'm Insane! Lol…**

**I Love All of You!! *Major Hugs* ******** - So this chapter is slightly darker, but enjoy! ******

**Chapter Three**

Elliot waited in the waiting room, although pacing frantically was probably a better description. He wouldn't sit, he wouldn't stand still, he wouldn't even have a cup of coffee, he was so wired, so worried and so tired that he couldn't relax, and none of them could. Casey was sitting in one of the chairs, her head buried in her hands. They had been here over an hour and they hadn't heard anything. Munch and Fin were sitting quietly in a chair opposite Casey and Cragen was standing in the corner, silently watching Elliot pace the room. Everyone was silent, to scared, to worried and to guilty to talk. Everyone was waiting for Elliot's anger to set in and then for him to just completely break down. He had held it together well so far. But they all knew that if he didn't hear anything soon, he was going to lose it, they all were. They heard the bell on the elevator next to them chime, and they all turned around to see Melinda and George come through. They both looked at the sea of emotionally wrecked faces that scattered the room, telling them that they hadn't heard a thing. Elliot glanced over at them, his eyes were red and tear-stained, with fresh tears welling up and threatening to spill over. Melinda went over and put her arms around Elliot, she knew how much this had to be hurting him. She knew how close Elliot and Olivia were, everybody did. She pulled back and Elliot finally sat down, Melinda sat next to him, putting her arm around his shoulder. George went over and sat next to Casey, with a hand on her shoulder, Casey looked up, with tears in her eyes and running down her face. They were all here together, yet, without Liv, everyone one of them felt completely alone. Nobody could bear to meet each other's eyes, especially not Elliot's; none of them had ever been so silent.

After what seemed liked hours, a young blonde haired doctor, who looked like he was in his late twenty's, approached them holding a clipboard in his hand. They all jumped up and crowded around the doctor.

''Please, tell us there's news.'' Said Munch hoarsely, like his throat was sore. He'd been crying silently.

''Please just tell me she's okay.'' Said Elliot in a half sob, with Melinda's arm still around him.

''I can assure you all, that Detective Benson is stable, but not yet conscious.'' Even at the doctor's words, nobody relaxed.

''and…'' Casey said

''and I'm sorry, but I can only give any further information to her next of kin.'' Everyone looked at Elliot; Casey knew that Elliot would have to be Liv's. All these years, he was all she had. At least he might be able to calm down a little if he knew what was going on, if he could see her.

''Which one of you is Simon Marsden?''

Everyone was a little taken aback, especially Elliot. This is not what any of them had expected to hear. Casey had almost forgotten about Simon, he was Liv's long lost little brother who she had tracked down about two years ago. Olivia rarely spoke about him to anyone, though she knew he and Liv spoke often. Everyone had forgotten about Simon, they were all so sure that it was Elliot, including Elliot. The last time Liv was in hospital, it had been his name that had been on that form. When had she changed it? It was good that Olivia had family now, real family, she felt wanted, loved, needed for the first time in her life. That's what she had told Casey, but it had never occurred to her that Elliot was no longer a part of that. Liv didn't need to depend on him for every little thing; they could officially be just friends, just co-workers, just partners. At least that's what she had willed herself to believe. But everyone, including Casey, knew that that would never be the truth. They would always be so much more than that. They were too intertwined. This had to be killing Elliot; she could see by the look in his eyes that he was utterly shocked, confused and devastated. Olivia had always counted on him, to him; this must have felt like she didn't need him anymore. Not to mention the fact that she didn't tell him, knowing Liv, she would have made sure that this topic never came up, so they could never fight about it. The doctor, who was waiting patiently for an answer, looked like he was staring into the face of an alien; he had probably never seen so many people react so strongly to a name, and to mimic each other exact expression without fault.

''Did I say something wrong?'' he asked cautiously,

''Uh…no. Simon's not here, none of us know where he is.'' Casey interrupted before anyone could start getting upset.

''It's okay, we've got his details, we'll try and get a hold of him, but unfortunately, I can't release any more information on Detective Benson's condition to any of you, until Mr. Marsden gets here. If he chooses to tell you, that's his decision, but I can't not release anything further. I'm sorry.'' Everyone was still.

''Can we see her? Please?'' Elliot pleaded, sounding utterly defeated.

''I'm sorry, again, the only one I can allow to see her is her next of kin, I am sorry. I will let you know when she's conscious.'' He gave a half, saddened smile and walked off. Elliot was completely shocked, everyone looked at him expectantly waiting for him to say something that led him to more tears, or lose it, or both. He just gently slid out of Melinda's grasp and went back to his chair, he was a ticking time bomb, ticking slowly but deadly, the slightest movement would make him explode. Everyone was just watching and waiting, waiting to hear if Liv was conscious, waiting for Simon to arrive, waiting for Elliot to break down. There was nothing they could do but wait. They were hardly patient about it.

**6.30pm – Manhattan, New York.**

Elliot had been sitting with his head buried in his hands for what felt like days, he brought his head up and looked at the clock, it was already going on for 7.00. They had been here all day; this was really starting to get to him. What the hell was going on? What was taking so long? How could Liv still not be conscious? They weren't telling him anything and he had a feeling that whatever it was that they weren't allowed to tell him, had something to do with the reason why Liv wasn't conscious yet. He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. He looked over at Casey, she was just sitting there in a daze, she looked over and met his eyes, hers were filled with pain, hurt and tears, but underneath it all, her eyes held confusion and conflict, like she was debating something, something that was hard to keep to herself. He was going to get up and go see if they could talk, when he saw Simon, slowly walking towards them from down the hall. Elliot stood up automatically and everyone looked at him, and then turned to look into the direction that he was staring into. As he approached them, his face was filled with hurt, worry and guilt, and they mirrored Elliot's emotions, only for different reasons. The blonde doctor from before stopped him in the hallway, obviously knowing who he was. He could see that he was being told everything; Elliot's throat felt tight, he felt as though someone was sucking the air form his lungs, he wanted to know; he wanted to be the one who was told everything concerning her, why had she done this? Didn't she know how much this was going to hurt him? Apparently not.

Everyone else stood up, the boys were waiting to pull Elliot back if he decided to start throwing punches. But Elliot was too worried, too depressed, too devastated to even consider violence; his other emotions trumped his anger at this point. Besides, he would never hurt Simon, despite the fact he had a serious dislike for the man, he meant the world to Liv, and he was Olivia's only family, the only person she had. God, how it killed him to admit that, he knew that Simon really was the only person she had that could always be there for her no matter what. He knew that between his family, his life, their job, their complicated relationship and shattered partnership, and his unnaturally strong feelings for her, he knew that as much as he wanted too, he could never be that person to her, the person that she needed.

He wanted that so much, he would do just about anything to be that person, but he couldn't, and admitting that to himself now, was one of the hardest things he ever had to do. The mistakes that he had made to this day had cost so much, he couldn't do that again. Simon was her brother, and family had always come first, those were Simon's words to Liv, and as much as it pained him to admit it, Simon loved Olivia, he was there for her when she needed to talk, he was always there, ready to listen with no judgments made. It made him realise that Olivia truly didn't need him anymore. She had someone. Someone who was family, someone who could always be counted on, trusted.

Someone who could be there for her, talk with her hours into the night when things got rough, be her shoulder to cry on, talk with her about nothing at all, someone who she would make the centre of her life, and what killed him the most, what pierced his heart so deep and severely that he could feel the pain and the burning, was the fact that it only just occurred to him, that person was no longer him. It was Simon and he was here now, and the only one who could let him know that she was okay, allow him to see her. This wasn't right, he shouldn't have to be told when he can or can't see his partner. His decisions should not be placed in another man's hands, let alone one he nearly hated. He was working himself up and needed to calm down, he needed to think of Liv, he needed to put all his feelings for Simon and regrets for himself aside, he needed to focus on Liv, and right now, she was the most important thing and to him, since before he could remember, besides his children, she was the only thing in his life that mattered.

Just thinking all this was going to send him straight to the pits of hell, feeling the way he did and so strongly, he was surprised that God hasn't struck him down where he stood by now. He had only just come to accept that his devout catholic faith he had once been so loyal and faithful too, went out the window 10 years ago, that day he met Liv. He believed in God, but he had since seen and witnessed so much in the past decade that he couldn't live that life anymore. He believed, but he also believed in things so much more that just that now. Liv had showed him so much, changed him, showed him so much about himself; she had made him a better person. They were so enmeshed together, so much a part of each other. They needed the other to breathe, to live, to do their job, to survive. They were each other's life line, take one away from the other, they would both die. There really was truth to the notion, 'I can't live without you', at least, there was with them. He didn't believe that God would have sent him Liv, sent him his life line that he's had and depended on for years now, just to snatch her away so suddenly, he refused to believe that God would do that to him, or to Liv. God wouldn't have brought them together, sent them to each other, if they were only going to be torn apart. Either way, whether it be God's will or not, he refused to let that happen, he was not going to give her up without a fight, and he could guarantee that he would fight to the death for her, for them. He really was going to hell. What he didn't understand was why God would have put them together, let them get so close, let them be what they are and be together almost every minute of every day, if they weren't supposed to be. Was it all a part of his plan? He didn't know, but he didn't care, he was just lucky God gave her to him.

Here he was panicked and pained and all in the dark, not being able to see her, being kept from her, while he was being told whether he could or couldn't see her by a man he was beginning to loathe. For the life of him, he couldn't make sense of it, Liv isn't wrong when she says that infamous line of hers, 'It's complicated' and he only just realised how much. He just needed to see her, and then he would be okay for a while. He believed in God, but right now, he needed to believe in her, that was more important, and, ironically, the only thing he could do was pray, pray that she'd be alright. As a catholic, he had just committed the biggest form of blasphemy against God, in thinking and believing that, believing in something or someone more than God himself, but right now he needed too and did and he didn't care, he didn't care if he was punished by God, for his blasphemy and impure thoughts or for the feelings he shouldn't be feeling, he didn't care if God stuck him down right this second, he just prayed he would save Liv, if she was okay, then wherever he was life or death, he would be okay, everything would be okay. What the hell was wrong with him? They really were complicated, a mess. God have mercy on him, because he was going to need it. He had a long list of confessions after this. But was there a penance or deed that could save him? Save his faith? Make his loyalty to his religion right again? He could only pray.

EOxxEOxxEOxxEOxxEOxxEOxxEOxxEOxxEO

Simon walked towards the squad, who were now all standing, they mirrored each other's expressions, and he'd never seen so many people with the same anguished look, the same pain in their eyes that he had in his. The doctor that he'd met hadn't told him what had happened to his sister, only that he was listed as a next of kin to Detective Olivia Benson and that he needed to get to Belleview, in New York, as soon as he could. As soon as he heard the words 'next of kin' he knew that it would have to be Olivia, he didn't have anyone else, except his mother and she was well taken care of. Though he wasn't aware that Olivia had changed hers, he wasn't even aware of when she'd done it; last he'd heard of it, her partner was her next of kin. He knew how close they were, though he wasn't surprised that she'd changed it. Liv had told him that they were not like they used to be, she couldn't expect anything from him anymore, she needed to find a way to separate their lives, but he didn't think that this was the best way to do that. Even from where he was slowly walking down the hallway, he could see the pained look of love in his eyes. It was more than obvious that he cared deeply about her; he might just have to have a word with his sister. Come to think of it, he still didn't know what was going on, what happened? Was she hurt? Did it happen at work or out in the field? Was it serious? The blonde haired doctor had told him nothing yet, only to wait with the rest of her friends. He prayed with all he had that it was nothing major and that calling him in was just procedure, he prayed that she was okay. So why did he have a gut wrenching feeling that she wasn't?

Simon neared his sister's 'work family', he had no idea what to say, he hadn't really met any of them, only Elliot and Casey, the two that Olivia was closest too, she was close with all of them, but Elliot and Casey knew her inside out, they knew more about her than he did, they knew her every secret. He really wasn't sure what to say to Elliot, how was he supposed to explain the reason that he was the person Liv had entrusted with this role instead of him? The truth would only hurt him, and the way he looked now, he just didn't have the heart to do that to him, he wasn't going to put him through that pain, especially not now. Maybe small talk would be best until he figured out what was going on. He walked up to the group.

''Hi, Casey, Elliot. I'm sorry, I haven't had the pleasure of meeting all of you, although I wish it were under better circumstances'' He greeted cautiously. He hugged Casey and held out his hand to shake Elliot's, up close, he could see how red and filled with tears his eyes were. Simon felt a sudden and painful sharp jab at his chest, he was praying this wasn't serious, but the way everyone looked, he could tell it was bad. He felt a wave of panic rush through him. Elliot finally snapped out of whatever he was thinking about and reluctantly shook his hand. Casey introduced him to everyone else. Olivia always talked about the people she worked with, she loves them all so much and was beginning to realize just how much they all loved her too. It made him feel better to know that his sister was loved, wanted and never alone when he wasn't with her.

''What happened? Is she okay?'' he asked panicking.

''We don't know. They won't tell us anything. They said they could only speak to you.'' Casey said. No wonder they were all upset, they were out of their minds with worry and not getting any answers and on top of that, he had made them wait, not knowing that he was the one reason they weren't getting answers. Great, just great, that was sure to put him at the top of their 'nice guy' lists. He had to get them some answers; he needed to know what the hell was going on.

''Okay, where's the person I need to talk too?''

''Right here''he turned to see the blonde haired doctor from before, in a white coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. He would only be in his twenties, his hair was too perfect, even for a doctor, he looked like he could have just finished filming a movie.

''I'm Dr. Noble. You must be Mr. Marsden, I'm the doctor who's been monitoring Detective Benson, shall we talk in private?'' he motioned a hand to follow him. Simon looked over at Elliot, who was glaring at him with painful daggers, he turned back and followed the doctor down the hall and out of site of the group and into a small, empty room. The doctor motioned him to sit in one of the arm chairs near the window.

''Now, I'm guessing you are aware of what happened to Detective Benson, correct?''

''Actually, no. They didn't get a chance to tell me. Is she okay?''

''She's stable for now. Mr. Marsden-''

''Simon'' he said

''I'm sorry, I didn't want to be the one to tell you. Detective Benson was attacked in her apartment last night.'' He said apologetically. Simon looked stunned, the panic within him started to rise.

''Oh My God, Is she okay? Do they know who did it? How bad was she hurt?'' He said hysterically.

''I'm not sure if I am allowed to disclose what I know about the investigation, I think it's best if you ask them, however I can give you some information on her condition.''

'' How serious is she?'' he asked

'' She is still unconscious. I can tell you that the extent of her injuries are quite severe and she was lucky that they found her and brought her in when they did. A few more minutes and she probably wouldn't have made it. We have managed to stop the bleeding of her exterior injuries, but I'm afraid that it's the internal ones that I'm concerned about.''

''Hold up, internal ones? You mean more than one?'' he said starting to feel the tears well in his eyes.

''I'm afraid whoever did this did quite a number on her. Like I said, she is stable for now but her condition may worsen.''

''Meaning?''

''Meaning that we're hoping she wakes soon. She has several deep stab and puncture wounds and quite a few abrasions and cuts to the surface of her skin, actually on most places on her body. Although there was a lot of blood when they found her, she was lucky they missed all the major arteries. We also found what we believe to be defensive wounds, she fought back. She has no facial abrasions or cuts, just a nasty bruise that she most likely obtained when she fell; it looks as though she hit the corner of a bench when she went down.

''What about the internal injuries?''

''They are more serious. She was beaten across the chest and abdominal areas with what seems like a small pallet of wood or a small bat, judging from the shape of the contusions. She has 3 broken ribs, probably caused by the same weapon. She was also hit over the head a number of times; again he probably used the same weapon. We won't know the extent of the injuries until she regains consciousness, but we are hoping that she has no more than a mild concussion. She has medium cuts and lacerations, they are going to be painful, but not to serious. Her rape kit also came back negative, she wasn't raped, which was a major relief.''

''Why did you do a rape kit? What made you think she was raped?'' he asked, not really wanting to know the answer. The doctor remained silent.

''Please, I don't want to know anything crucial about the case, but this is my sister we're talking about, I need to know. Do you know if they have a suspect? Do you know who it is?

''I don't know who they suspect was involved; I was only told that high on their list is a rapist who recently made the NYPD's top five fugitive list and to run a rape kit. That's all I know other than I hope in God's name that they find this monster.''

''Okay, so which of the internal injuries are you most concerned about?''

''We're worried that with the amount of time she has been unconscious, her head injuries as a result from being beaten might be more serious, there is a possibility of memory loss.''

''Memory loss, how long will that last?'' Simon was getting more anxious by the minute. The doctor was silent again as if thinking over the best way to say it, before he finally spoke.

''It depends on the person and it differs with individuals, however, there is a chance of it being permanent with the injuries she obtained, but as I said before we won't be able to determine that for sure until she is conscious. Even then, it may take some time, if she has memory loss at all, we need to see over a period of say a week or two to see if it is just part of her concussion or if it more serious. If she's not remembering anything after a month or two, then there is a possibility that she may never regain the memory that she's lost.''

Simon didn't know what to say, permanent memory loss? How could that be? Oh God, what was he supposed to tell Elliot and Casey and the rest of her squad? How was he supposed to break this to them? Why had Liv left this to him? He wasn't prepared to face Elliot's wrath.

''How long do you think it will be until she wakes?''

''There is no way to tell, we can only wait. I'm sorry.'' Simon became silent. At that moment a nurse came through the door.

''Doctor Noble, got an ICU burn patient, your needed right away.''

''Okay, thank you.'' He said to her as she left in a hurry. He turned back to Simon.

''Are you alright?'' Simon didn't look at him.

''No''

''I know this is going to be hard on all of you. I had to leave it to you to tell the others, it's policy, but not all nest of kin's want others to know. It's just my opinion, but the others who are waiting to hear news on her condition would benefit to know. They've been here the entire time, they are worried sick. They all care a lot about her.'' Simon raised his head to look at the doctor.

''I know''

Doctor Noble smiled a sad smile at him and left. Simon just stood there stunned.

''I just don't know how'' he said to himself, he took a deep breath. 'Well no point in dragging it out', he thought as he walked through the door. Time to tell them, this was not going to go down well.


	4. Loss

**Hi All Sorry for such a long wait in the posting of chapter 4, my writing has had to subside to other things. But thank you all for staying with this. You are all wonderful!**

**Shout Outs to Carrina, Bill, Ester & Kat…All of whom I love to bits and who keep me writing! 3 xx**

**Chapter Four….**

Elliot and Casey were on their way back from the hospital cafeteria carrying cups containing a substance that resembled coffee in looks only. They were silent; the tension was as thick as fog on a winter morning. Elliot desperately wanted to ask her what she had looked so confused by before. He was sure that there was something she wasn't telling him and he was about ninety percent sure that it had something to do with Liv and he wanted ti know what it was.

'How you holding up?' she asked him already knowing his answer.

'If I don't see her soon, or know that she's okay, I'm going to go mad. I just need to see her.' He was trying not to get worked up again.

'I know me too. I feel responsible. I should have made sure that she got inside okay. I feel so bad, so guilty and so helpless' She said nearly in tears as they turned the corridor to where the squad was waiting.

'Casey, it's not your fault.' He was silent for a moment. 'What are you not telling me?' Casey looked confused.

'What are you talking about?'

'I know you know something. Please Case, whatever it is you need to tell us. Do you know who did this to her?' His voice sounded almost furious.

'Wait a second, are you seriously asking me that? What makes you think I'd know? If anyone should know it should be you. Liv tells you everything, you've been there when she's had run-in's with perps, you know who'd have a grudge. How can you think that if I know anything I wouldn't tell you?' She had no idea that she was yelling until she stopped. She had never yelled at any of them like that, she just go so angry, or was it her guilt of not telling Elliot what happened to Liv getting the better of her? She was no good at keeping this secret, especially from Elliot, God knows how Melinda and Fin managed to keep it to themselves, and this was making her crazy. She had to tell him, he had a right to know, what was he supposed to do? She couldn't keep lying to him. Elliot was just staring at her, confused, angry and not buying any of it. 'Look Elliot, If I –'

She cut off as Melinda walked up to them with a cautious look on her face, she had obviously been yelling louder than she thought.

'Is everything okay over here?' she asked giving them both a warned look.

'Fine' Casey said flatly, her eyes never breaking Elliot's glare.

'Well you need to come back over with us; Simon has finished with the Doctor, he's decided he's going to tell us about Olivia.' Melinda looked between them.

'Tell us together.' She announced. Casey turned her head and walked away towards the group. Elliot waited then followed but Melinda stepped in front of him.

'What's going on Elliot? What's wrong?'

'Nothing, it doesn't matter.' He said sharply and walked swiftly past her. Melinda just stared into the space where Elliot had been, she knew what was going on, she knew the guilt that Casey felt, it portrayed her own. There was only one person that could fix this, the one person who couldn't.

'Please Liv, wake up, we need you.'

**EO xo EO xo EO xo EO xo EO xo EO xo EO xo EO xo EO**

'How bad is she?' Cragen asked Simon, everyone was gathered around him.

'She's not good, but the doctors are more worried about her internal injuries than her External wounds. She was hit over the head, with what the doctor said was either a bat or a pallet of wood.'

'Wait, what kind of internal injuries? And what do you mean injuries, as in the plural?' Elliot asked shakily.

'Well, she was hit over her head repeatedly, she was hit over most of her body, which has bruised her insides, but the doctors are more worried about her head injuries, they are worries about how long she has been unconscious.'

Elliot's eyes stayed fixed on Simon.

''They think that she may have some memory loss, they're not sure how long its going to last, they've said it depends on the person and how long they take to recover, but with the extent of her injuries, they're worried it might be permanent''

There was silence, Elliot felt as though someone had put a knife through his heart, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't speak, he felt the tears running down his face, and he couldn't stop them. He needed to sit down, he felt as though he was going to pass out.

''Elliot, you okay, sit down you need to breathe.'' Cragen said as he took Elliot by the arm, but he shrugged it off, he looked up at Simon.

''No, she's going to come through this, I know she is, I know her, she's going to pull through this, memory and all.'' All eyes were on Elliot's, doubts in them all.

''Okay, we all need to calm down and think positive about this, for Liv.'' Casey said, trying to convince herself more than anyone else. Nobody knew what to say, nobody knew how to stop the tears running down their faces, especially not Elliot's.

'**EO xo EO xo EO xo EO xo EO xo EO xo EO xo EO xo EO**

Elliot was on the hospital roof top, tyring to make sense of everything that happened. Most of the squad had gone back to the Precinct, and he had sent Casey home to get some rest, she had been here as long as he had, but he had a feeling that she'd gone back to the office anyway. He was at the edge of the barrier, looking out at the sunset, _'relax', _he thought, how had all of this happen in one day? He just didn't understand, and the one person he would give anything to ask was the one person he couldn't. He needed to see her; he didn't know how to come without her. Where was he supposed to start? All he wanted to do was find the son of a bitch that had done this to her, the after thought of what he would do when he found him wasn't pretty. Problem was that for once in their lives, they had no leads, no suspects, no evidence, who ever it was had been meticulous in making sure they didn't get caught; He had no idea who would want to hurt her. He felt guilty, like he should have been paying more attention to her, listening to her when she was afraid, instead he just pushed her away.

He thought back to what Cragen had said about Harris escaping, he had asked her about him and she kept him in the dark. His mind wandered back to that night that he had asked her.

_He leant over her as she sat at her desk, he couldn't take his eyes off her, he knew something had happened; he wasn't sure whether or not to bring it up. but he couldn't leave her like this, he could see she was hurting._

''_What happened in the basement? He asked. She wouldn't even meet his eyes, she turned away, he knew then and there what ever it was had hurt her. She looked at him, but barely,_

'_Nothing'' He just stared at her. ''Nothing El, I'm fine.'' He could tell she was lying, his eyes never left her. _

He hadn't realised just how affected she had been by him, but he didn't see it, then it hit him.

''Oh my God'' he said with a harsh sigh. ''Oh my God, I should have seen it.'' He buried his head in his hands and sat on the stone ledge in the middle of the rooftop. It had finally hit him, he knew why Liv had been so spooked, he should have pushed her, he should have made her talk, and he would have been there through the whole thing, why did he always let her go? Why did he always just let her get away with saying she was fine? How could he have been so stupid? Things seemed to make more sense now, things were piecing together now, the vibes that he got from Casey about hiding something, he knew. He needed to find her. He pulled out his cell, and dialled Casey's number.

''Elliot, is everything okay?'' she answered sounding worried.

''No, it's not. We need to talk, meet me out the front of the hospital now.'' He said heatedly and hung up, leaving Casey in silence on the other end. She got a sickly feeling in the bottom of her stomach. He knew.


	5. Truths

**Hi Again **** Okay, I'm on a roll with the this story, so lets hope this streak sticks! :D**

**To Carrina, Becky, Kelly, Bill, Ester, Scott & Kat…These people have kept me writing and kept me smiling!! I Love You All So Very Much! *Hugs***

**Chapter Five….**

Her stomach did flips as she made her way to the main entrance of the hospital. She knew that this wasn't going to remain a secret for much longer, especially now that this had happened. She didn't want to face him, but she didn't have much of a choice, she'd rather he take it out on her, than on Liv when she regained consciousness. As she got closer, she saw him pacing the entrance, not really knowing to what extent this could lose control. She walked closer; her footsteps making him look up. '_Great, here it goes' _she thought.

''Before you say anything, I was the one who wanted to tell you.'' She said as fast and as calm as she could.

''Then why the hell didn't you? All this time, you knew, you let her go through this by herself because you didn't tell me, why the hell didn't you tell me?'' his breathing was raggered and his eyes were almost black, he was beyond angry and upset.

''I didn't tell you because she asked me not too.'' She said, wishing she could take the words back when she saw the look in his eyes fade from anger to hurt and heartbreak.

''What do you mean she asked you not too? She would have told me, she told you.''

''Actually, she didn't, I kind of pieced it together, she couldn't exactly keep it from me.'' He was silent, he went over and sat on the edge of the flowerbed wall; Casey's eyes didn't leave him.

''Why did she keep it from me'' it wasn't a question. The pain in his eyes and his voice was real; it was straight from his heart.

''Have you ever thought that the reason she didn't tell you was that she was trying to stop herself from getting hurt?'' he looked at her blankly.

''What are you talking about? Is there something I should know that I don't?'' Casey sighed and sat down next to him.

''Okay, you need to have a serious think about things, Elliot. You have no idea what you are doing to her.''

''Meaning?''

'' I mean that the reason she didn't tell you is because she's trying to lead a life that's separate from work, separate from you.''

''I know'' he said in a bare whisper. Casey was slightly shocked.

''I'm sorry, you know?''

''I can't stop her, she's been avoiding me for the past 6 months and I knew that she was pulling away from me.''

''So you're going to let her?'' Casey said annoyed.

''What do you want me to do, Casey. I can't force her to talk to me, I can't make her open up to me and I can't fix this, I've tried.'' He was trying not to yell, but she could see he was getting worse.

''Then maybe you should just tell her the truth.'' He didn't meet her eyes.

''Look Elliot, I'm not telling you this to hurt you; I'm trying to make you see that you have to make a choice, you can't keep playing these games, it's insane. All it's going to do is hurt both of you, you need to tell her the truth.''

''What truth, Casey? There's nothing to tell.'' He said his voice raising higher still.

Casey just rolled her eyes and sighed. ''Right'' the word drowned in sarcasm.

They were both silent for moment. ''I'm sorry'' he said ''I know there are things that her and I need to talk about, but it's just not that simple, too much has happened and I'm worried that were not going to be able to get passed the damage that's been done.''

''Elliot, your never going to know unless the two of you sit down, like adults and sort this out, your both acting like teenagers.''

''Maybe it's easier that way.''

''Maybe, until you lose her.'' He looked at her; she knew that she had hit a nerve. If there was one thing that scared Elliot more than anything else, it was the thought of losing Liv. ''You need to tell her Elliot.''

''What am I supposed to say?''

''Simple, tell her how you feel.'' She said bluntly.

''In case you haven't noticed Case, this ring in my finger means something.'' He let the words slip before he had realised what he'd said. Casey shouldn't have been surprised; she just didn't think that she'd ever hear him say something like that.

'' Elliot, if your not happy, why are you putting yourself through this?''

''Because I have a family to think about, I can't just walk away from that, wether my heart's there or not.'' She knew that when he said 'Family', he meant his kids.

''There are ways, nobody is telling you to give up your family, but what's the point of you being somewhere where all you feel is hurt, how is that fair on them?''

He didn't say anything; she could see he was taking in her words. She heard a phone ring loud in the silence that made her jump, as Elliot answered.

''Stabler'' there was silence as he listened, then his relief in his eyes he looked up at her.

''Thanks, we'll be up.'' he closed his phone.

''What is it?'' she asked

''Liv, she's awake.''

**EO xo EO xo EO xo EO xo EO xo EO xo EO xo EO xo EO**

The elevator opened and Elliot and Casey almost ran down the hallway to Liv's room. Simon and Cragen, who he had called on his way up, were already talking to the doctor.

''Is she okay?'' Elliot asked as soon as he got close. The three of them turned to look at him, despair in there eyes and on their faces. They said she was awake, so why did they look like they'd seen a ghost?

''Thank you'' Cragen said to the doctor, who nodded sadly and left them.

''Can we see her?'' Casey asked

''It's not going to do any good even if you do'' Simon said, Elliot just glared at him.

''Why, what's wrong?'' He felt the fear rise in his stomach and strike at his heart.

''Elliot, they warned us, they told us.'' Cragen said with a hand on his shoulder.

''Told us what?'' He was confused, she was awake, why couldn't he see her?

''She doesn't know who you are, she doesn't know any of us.''

''Oh my God, please tell me it's not…I mean she hasn't….'' Casey couldn't finish, he breathe caught in her throat and the tears started running from her eyes, she had prayed with every fibre of her being that this wouldn't happen, that she would wake up and be okay. As soon as Elliot saw Casey's tears, it all made sense.

''So in other words, you're telling me I've lost my best friend?'' Casey said through tears.

''You can't think like that Casey, there's a chance that she'll remember, we can help her.'' Said Cragen

''But there's a chance she won't'' she said softly.

Casey turned her attention to Elliot was trying with everything he had to keep it together.

''Can we see her?'' he asked again.

''Are you sure you want too?'' Cragen asked him. He just nodded.

''Okay'' he sighed

''Elliot, do you want me to go with you?'' Casey said, wiping the tears that were staining her face. Elliot took her arm under his.

''I think Liv would kill me if I said I wanted to do this without you.'' He tried to smile, the tears still flowing, Casey gripped his arm tighter. They pushed the door to her ward open, not really knowing what to expect. She was just laying there, still the same, everything looked the same, so how could it be so different?

The two of them walked slowly over to her bedside. She looked as though she was sleeping. It felt like hours that they stood there staring at her. Casey slowly let go of Elliot and touched Liv's hand, and her slowly started to open. Casey took in a short breath.

She looked at both of them, saying nothing, just staring at them.

''It's me Liv'' Casey said with a soft smile.

''I'm sorry, do I know you?'' She replied in confusion.

Casey felt her heart hurt and she heard Elliot's break in two.


End file.
